The Homo-Sapien proclimation for Nature's Emancipation (by Don King) - see what I did there?

Another day, another dollar, and another timeless rant you can print out and read to your kids before tucking their bratty asses into bed.

Today's topic: Homo-Sapiens.

People...frankly, you guys suck. No, seriously, for the most part, homosapiens are a gigantic waste of space and should never have been allowed to survive past the first ice age, and are blight on this otherwise beautiful planet. Why am I saying this you ask? Well, that's a good question Timmy - and it has two very unique answers.

(1) I am an asshole
(2) People tend to make everything waaaaaaay to complicated

Before traveling down the thorn covered passage that is topic #1, let's start with the more meatier subject - complication. Turn on the news and you'll see multiple reports and updates on the recent oil spill crisis that is taking place - still. Now, answer me this: what is oil? Not literally Bill Nye, I mean what is oil in relation to the planet? If you ask me, it's waste, bile; excess fluid that the planet produces during it's natural cycle. Humans are here to clean it up, helping our planet remain healthy. We are the colon of the planet. I'm so proud.

Now, instead of completely eradicating the viscous fluid, we humans decide "Hey! We can reuse this stuff!" and sell it to each other for a premium price. Then, as each of us buy it for various purposes, we end up burning the stuff sending toxic vapors into our atmosphere, and then panic when our air becomes less and less healthy for us to breathe.

Hmmmm, not simple enough for you, eh? Alright, let me put it this way: Imagine eating a pound of bean burritos with cheese, putting a fishbowl on your head attached to a long tube that connects directly to your asshole. Now, as you fart, the gas goes up the tube into the fishbowl on your head, and you sit there breathing in all the fumes...yum, yum. Sure, you might be able to stand it for a little while, but sooner or later, you're going to vomit, pass out, and die; mostly due to the elevated levels of methane and complete lack of oxygen.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. "Konshus, that's disgusting! Why on earth would anyone do something like that?!?" Good question - so why in the hell are we doing that to our planet? Essentially, we are taking waste, reusing it, and breathing it in. Smart move, homo-sapiens. Brilliant! Complex!

I'm no tree hugging hippie, so let's move on to something I actually care about, shall we? The Miranda rights. I was just discussing this with my father, fiance, and other scholarly gentlemen this weekend over a light lunch of Tommy's hamburgers. They have always been tweaking those pesky rules for humans, but this time, they took it a step further. The new ruling states that, YES, you do still have the right to remain silent, however, you must break the right of silence in order to express that right by saying you wish to envoke your right to remain silent. I can practically see you re-reading that sentence. Once again, homo-sapien logic shines through. Brilliant! Complex!

You see where I'm going with this?

Ya, know...a thought just occurred to me, just flashed in my mind. Tell me if this crossed your mind as well. I...am a homo-sapien. Wow. I am one of those complex creatures who drives a gas guzzling Dodge Charger, watches cop shows and drives an extra 35 miles each day to and from work. All of that, and here I am complaining about my fellow humans for the same things I do myself, nearly every day. How hypocritical. How...complex.

We have now come full circle, and if you're smart, you've realized the importance of reason #1. I am an asshole, and as such, I got you to read my entire nonsensical rant about nothing in particular just so I could achieve my writing quota for the day.

Seriously Konshus, you're a dick.

~Konshus